Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
