The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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