I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
