he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
