toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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