i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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