You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
