I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
