ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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