She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
