so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
