you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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