New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
