Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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