does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
