so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
