i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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