why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
