I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
