He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Randomize
