Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
