You smell like stripper and shame
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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