Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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