If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
