yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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