I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
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Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
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Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize