Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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