If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
