can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
