How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
