If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
