I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
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Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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