I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
