i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
