can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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