you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
