i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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