i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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