her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
