he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
