My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
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I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
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Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?