I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Randomize
