i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
