My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
