i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
