The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
