Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
