Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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