I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
there's paper in my vomit.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
