I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Randomize
