She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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