I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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