I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
