we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
